It is very strange when you realize you care about something you thought you really didn't care about.  Something you thought, "Well, if it just goes away, I'll be okay with that," but then it gets threatened and you realize...well, you realize you'd be sad.  And so, like a den mother, I must protect my bears.  And I will.  Nobody said this thing would be easy.  But I'm a big bear.  And I suddenly care.

I am...

I am a servant of the Lord.  I am a servant of the Lord.  I am a servant of the Lord.  Maybe if I just keep repeating this mantra, what I do will make more sense.  Are you judging me?  Well, judge away!  I will serve the Lord, I will play for the Lord, I will LOVE my fellow man, and I will peacefully coexist.  I am a servant of the Lord.  I am not providing BORING music!  I LOVE MY CHOIR.  And refuse to believe that a "they" actually exists.  If you can't name names, don't say what "they" say.  I'm done.  Good night.

what i'm a-thinkin' 'bout tonight

it's 9:29 in the pm and i'm tired........tired of caring if i'm fat or thin, tired of always being on top of everything, TIRED of getting up so early every morning.  but in some kind of weird way, it's a good tired.  sense?  perhaps not.  not even to me.  i can't imagine getting up and saying, 'I'm bored.  I've got nothing to do.'  That is a universe I can't even see, smell or digest.  I'm not TYPE-A, not on fire all the time, but there is some kind of fire burning. 

i don't understand boredom.  never have.  my curious mind drifts to whatever is near and i go there--i read, i write, i play, i sleep, but i don't bored.  can't.  not in my nature.

i'm too tired to make sense.  well, at least i posted something.  that's something.  zzzzzzzzzzz...

geez

It's Sunday night and a full week of school is staring me in the face.  I feel like I'm treading water on the surface and really doing a good job of it, but the depths are so raging below me...can it be that I just see the smooth surface?  Or is the smooth surface all there is?  I am truly enjoying every day that I wake up, every chance I get to see the things I see...with a little gulp and sip in of air thinking that maybe, just maybe, this will be the last day that things are like this:  happy and calm.  I wish that calm didn't depend so much on the man who I have come to rely on so much--Brian is amazing and is the anchor that holds everything down.  I wish I didn't feel as though if something happened to him, the whole ship would float away.  Maybe I'm stronger than I think, I don't know.  I don't want to know.  Not really.  Nope.  Not really.  I just want him to be here. 
On a lighter note, Mary Poppins was a pretty big disappointment.  Splashy, glitzy and high-budget Disney stuff.  Not any real substance that I saw at all.  Poop on the fact that Mrs. Banks was turned into a vanilla ice cream cone with no sprinkles at all.  Boring!  I LOVED the quirky movie character, but she was sand-blasted away, down to an almost faceless human being.  Poo on Disney!!  Even Mary Poppins didn't seem like the star of the show, but I couldn't really tell who was.  For $85, I wanted to be MOVED in some way.  At least I had a date with my man.
I love my kids.  LOVE them.  LOOOOOOVE them.  I want to be a better mom.  I will.  Tomorrow.
Good night, blog.   xoxox   Me

The Loneliness of Staying Fit

This is just for me.  I'm doing this for me.  Not for anyone else.  As I'm jogging along the path, huffing and puffing and wondering if a 40-something year old should be doing this kind of activity, I feel...sometimes...lonely.  Why doesn't anyone do this with me?  Why does my husband see me leave the house day after day after day and not offer to go with me?  Why does my daughter, 3 times younger than I, claim not to have the energy to do what I'm doing?  I feel very alone.   THEN AGAIN...it's nice to be alone sometimes.  My mind wanders, solving and organizing, making decisions I really can't decide on while the whirl of life is going on around me at my house.  Quiet, solitude...and my own breathing.  Very soothing, really.  If I weren't panting like a dog.  So I continue to go, I run, I swim, I go...by myself.  And try to stay fit.  Hey, it's something.